Seriously, don't try these. You'll die. (Or worse...)
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In the name of entertaining the gullible masses, movies have taken liberties with the truth since day one. Even the very first motion picture—Eadweard Muybridge's series The Horse in Motion—features obvious CGI. C'mon Ead, do you really expect us to believe all four of a horse’s hooves leave the ground at the same time? We know a special effect when we see one.
Most of the time we're happy to sit back and enjoy the spectacle, but there's one dirty trick we can't abide: shameless abuse of refrigeration technology. At Reviewed.com, we take fridges pretty darn seriously. Therefore, it’s our responsibility to point out where refrigerator-based artistic license crosses the line. Fridge owners, don’t try these at home—they only work on the big screen.
...like Tony Stark does in Iron Man 3. When sexy assassin Ellen Brandt tries to apprehend Stark in a Tennessee bar, he does what any action star would and quickly blows up the entire building. Physically enhanced by the ridiculously named "Extremis Project," Brandt is nearly indestructible. So Stark—without his Iron Man suit for protection—ingeniously rigs a gas line to explode, triggers it with a nearby microwave, and then takes shelter behind... an ice box?
Ignoring the fact that a metal ice box door would do little to protect you from the concussive force of an explosion powerful enough to send someone flying through the air, did no one on set realize this door "protects" only Stark’s head and chest? Was he wearing explosion-proof pants that day?
...like Doc does in Back to the Future 3. When Doc finds himself stranded in 1885, he constructs a ridiculous steam-powered refrigerator to serve up the only modern amenity he can’t live without: ice for his iced tea.
Problem is, this was sort of a waste of time. It’s not like storing ice was impossible before modern refrigeration. Out west, pioneers brought snow down from the mountains and stored ice in insulated chambers underground. We have to imagine the cost of all the coal used to power his steam fridge would far outweigh the cost of a single stored ice cube. That’s just bad budgeting, Doc.
...like Ahh-nold Schwarzenegger does in Eraser. When the Governator rescues Lee Cullen (played by Vanessa Williams) from an attempt on her life, a domestic shootout ensues. But not just any cover will do for this gunfight, because you see, the bad guys have X-ray scopes. In order to quietly sneak away, Mr. Olympia goes with the subtle, covert strategy of muscling down a 500-pound standing refrigerator, and hiding behind it like a startled gopher.
Are we expected to believe this fridge is lined with lead? (More on that later...) Typically they’re made of plastic, foam, and flimsy sheet metal. Why would insulated fridge walls provide any shelter from science fiction X-ray guns? Who knows: Maybe they were just thirsty or something, and we’ve misinterpreted the scene entirely.
...like the Little League coach in the only movie both written and directed by Stephen King. Yes, we’re talking about Maximum Overdrive. When Earth passes through the tail of a rogue comet, machines obviously start coming to life. Clearly, this movie has limited itself to only the hard sciences.
Anyway, this poor coach goes to buy his team some soda, but instead of simply dispensing the can, this vending machine shoots a line drive directly at the man's..."infield." Slapstick quickly turns dark, as Coach takes a second can to the foul pole, then a third to the face—killing him instantly.
Since our lab tests have never proven that demonic possession of inanimate objects isn’t possible, we’re assuming it is. But we do question where these films draw the line between possession and physical transmogrification. We get that this machine is making the most of its sentience—who could blame it for having a little murderous fun? But from whence did it get the ability to fling sodas? We're pretty sure that feature isn't built in. (Or at least we hope it's not.)
...like The Rock does in Race to Witch Mountain. This is a movie about an ex-mob wheelman (Dwayne “Vin Diesel” Johnson) named Jack, who hauls two young children around southern Nevada like it’s no big deal. Thanks to the kids’ use of an obviously alien key that Jack barely questions, they're able to open a fridge with a secret passage behind it. This revelation finally gives Jack pause, and causes him to utter the immortal, self-addressing line: "Don’t go in the pimped-out fridge, Jack." Truly unparalleled scriptwriting.
Seriously though, fridges make poor secret passage doorways. The compressor and all the important bits are near the back, and if you’ve got a secret laboratory back there instead... well, that just doesn’t make sense. Revolving fireplaces or sliding bookcases are still best, in our scientific opinion.
...like WALL-E, in the movie of the same name. And if you do happen across presumably the very last (or first?) seedling of organic life on a dead planet, and it somehow sprouted without water or fertilization behind an ancient fridge door, don’t slice open that post-apocalyptic greenhouse with a laser! C’mon WALL-E, use your newfound sentience to figure out hydroponics or something!
Regardless of WALL-E's callous actions, there's no way a fridge door can protect a defenseless plant from an otherwise lifeless wasteland. Seriously, think about it: the door has shielded that spot from receiving any sunlight for the past 700 years. Not to mention rainfall. Andrew Stanton: You, sir, are a hack.
...like Dana Barrett does in Ghostbusters. Coming home from a grocery run, Dana (played by Lt. Ellen Ripley) sets down a carton of eggs and a foreshadowing package of marshmallows on the countertop. As she puts away the rest of her groceries, the eggs suddenly begin popping and frying themselves in the middle of her kitchen. Does she handle this situation by contacting the fire department? The newspaper? The farm? Nope, instead Ripley stops to check out a strange noise in her refrigerator before evacuating.
Don't worry, turns out the noise is just an inter-dimensional portal that looses Zuul, ancient demigod and Gatekeeper of Gozer, on the world. Zuul possesses Dana and makes her act like a floozy for the next 45 minutes of the movie. And that's why Reviewed.com doesn't test fridges that make weird noises.
...like Indiana Jones does in Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull. Was there any question this would be number one? Harrison Ford plays the iconic archaeologist who’s constantly placed in mortal peril but cannot die. So when sloppy scripting writes his character into a nuclear corner, there’s only one way out: A man-sized refrigerator conveniently lined with lead.
Before you ask—yes, they make lead-lined fridges, but those are for radiosensitive laboratories and such. Would you, at any time in American history, have been able to find a lead-lined fridge in the average household? No way. There’s still some debate over whether Indy could’ve realistically survived his ride out of the blast radius, but who cares? We’re talking about a character who’s dealt with seraphim, voodoo dolls, and seven-hundred-year-old knights, so what’s wrong with a fridge fallout shelter?
Now, if you’re ready to stop fooling around on the internet and start shopping for that new fridge, head on over to Reviewed.com.
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