Here’s why I hate pizza (yes, that’s right, I hate pizza)
Gooey pizza cheese makes me want to hurl
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Okay, so. Hear me out, Internet. I might not have the most popular opinion on pizza, but I promise you it's not what you think.
Yesterday, while working on an article about a pizza topped with Peeps, my dark secret was revealed: I can't stand pizza. More specifically, I can't stand melted cheese, period. And the two are sort of a package deal.
The reactions of my coworkers were immediate and strongly worded. "How can you not like pizza?" they asked. "Are you even human?"
My coworkers mean well, but these kinds of questions make me feel insecure. So, I normally keep my feelings about pizza on the down-low. It's silly, I know, but I'm a natural born introvert. I mean, hell, I write for a living. Dealing with an existential crisis on the daily is pretty much part of the job.
Whenever there's pizza at a work event, I'll grab a slice and go hide somewhere. No, I'm not working on a witch's brew or anything. I'm, well, dissecting my pizza like it's a frog in science class. And by dissecting, I'm actually removing the cheese from the pizza. Deep breaths, Ashley. You can do this.
Now, I get that people love pizza, but I always gag at the sight of stringy cheese, or the thought of that melty ooze pooling in my mouth. It's mainly a texture issue—one that makes me incredibly nauseous. I guess it's just the way I'm hardwired.
When I do eat pizza, I end up scraping the cheese off and—depending on who I'm with—either hide it under a napkin or build miniature buildings out of the shredded remains. Call me juvenile if you'd like, but I prefer to think of it as eccentric.
And okay, "hate" is a strong word for how I feel about pizza. It's not really the pizza I hate so much as the melted cheese that plays such an integral role in making pizza, well, pizza. That's really the issue here. I'll eat pizza happily—if it's the type of pizza they sell at a tiny restaurant near my apartment, which they make sans cheese. Sorry, not sorry.
This particular delicious type of pie is called Pizza Marinara and, yes, it's a real thing. Between the sweet tomato sauce and the savory basil leaves, it's freaking delicious. I even burned myself once because I couldn't get it into my face hole fast enough.
So yes, if you consider Pizza Marinara to be pizza (and Serious Eats does!) then I love pizza. With abandon. And without cheese.
At the end of the day, we just have to let bygones be bygones. Some people love pizza and others have a more complicated relationship with the cheesy, topping-covered dish. I don't enjoy pizza in the traditional sense, but that's okay. It's just who I am. I guess I'd rather eat sauce-slathered bread. Just because something is immensely popular doesn't mean it's for everyone.
So it's confession time: Do you secretly hate something everyone else seems to love? Let us know in the comments!
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