Our quest uncovers the ugly truth: Tide Buzz is only buzz.
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There comes a time in every writer’s life when she must take brave steps to uncover the truth. Maybe the bones of a vast civilization lie buried in dust, waiting for her patient fingers to dig them free. Maybe there’s a gilded book inscribed with rows of encrypted text and only she can crack the code. Or maybe—maybe!—her mission is of a soapier sort: like discovering whether the Tide Buzz (Black & Decker’s $20 ultrasonic stain remover) can actually lift stains from fabric.
Thursday morning. Rain gently caressing the windowpanes. Time to find the truth and stop messing around. The fate of fabric covered in sweat and wine and other nefarious stains is in your capable, yet roguish hands. And if attempting to save that fabric makes you a hero, well, so be it.
The mission begins with a squirt of cleaning fluid onto soiled fabric. You brandish the Buzz’s silly-looking wand in your powerful fingers. A button activates its "ultrasonic" cleaning technology, which supposedly uses sound waves to get rid of stains.
The world narrows down to this moment. It’s you and the stain—and there can only be one winner.
“Obliterate that stain,” you urge the Buzz, casually, but with a quiet strength. Your eyes are steely and blazing.
The Buzz... buzzes. Although its response is not at a frequency particularly audible to humans, you know it's speaking to you.
There, in the silent room, you stand over the stained fabric. A single tear makes its way down your cheek, and beneath the Tide Buzz’s wand, a wine stain fades. But has the Buzz done enough? Has it bested its competitor, the everyday washing machine? When will this madness end?
You grit your teeth. “This ends now,” you whisper to no one in particular. You put down the wand. The fabric lies beside it. Still. Soiled.
Yes, the stains remain. Sweat, carbon, blood, chocolate, and wine color the surface of the cloth, faded slightly, yet still dark around the edges. Disappointment. Grief? Not quite. When it’s your job to uncover the truth, you have to be prepared for the truth to hurt.
The truth? Tide Buzz has been defeated: removing stains, but lacking the ferocity that even an average washer can offer.
Return the Buzz to its box. Another mission complete. Don’t look back; there’s no time. Just walk onward, onward, in your endless quest for truth.
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